Swine flu. Run for my life!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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