I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I had to cum in my sink.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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