I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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