I'm so fucking centered right now
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The uberlube is also flammable
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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