i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
