is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
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We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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