Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
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It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
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Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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