did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
