i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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