remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
