So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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