I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
