I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We talked him into tasing himself.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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