i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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