So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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