We named our party play list daddy issues
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
