My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm sobbing to NWA
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
