why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
