sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need water and some morals
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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