Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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