i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
