I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
