Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
