Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
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I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
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Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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