Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Watching her eat just hurts me
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
