I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
