This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
