Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
