I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
