when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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