I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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