Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I am naked and annoyed.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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