So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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