it was like his penis was on wheels.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
