Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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