next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
