He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
