seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
