apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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