who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
