I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
