You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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