nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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