I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
