My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
