Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
