dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
