my being single is dangerous.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
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She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
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In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize