You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
