I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
