life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
