when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.