i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
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I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
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I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects