nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
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Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
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Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS