8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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