Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
