my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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