So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I am naked and annoyed.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
