dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
This is the high leading the old right now
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
