girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
