Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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