I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
