Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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