Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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