May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Im part way to drunk.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
